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My emotions towards having a boy are ecstatic as well as relief, let me explain that second emotion... After losing Aviana I knew that if this baby were to have been a little girl it would be emotionally very hard for me, not that anything has been emotionally really easy this past year, but there was a part of me that felt that I would be birthing Aviana again and attempting to replace her. I know that may sound weird, but it is true! I would have wanted this little girl to look like Avi, sound like Avi, act like Avi. And being that every child is different and beautifully unique in their own way she would have never been Aviana, but in every way I would have felt that I was trying to replace her. So, since finding out we were expecting I had confessed to many of my family members that I had hoped that this baby would be a little boy. That it would just be emotionally easier for me to have a little boy as our next child. Many family and friends agreed and needless to say there were many tears of joy in the ultrasound room the day we saw our little guy. I have moments when I honestly don't even know if I am ready to have another child again, let alone a little girl, so having a world of boy toys and boy clothes will hopefully help make this emotional situation somewhat easier.
God only gives you what he thinks you can handle.
Believe it or not, I still have faith in knowing this to be true. God knew that with out love for each other, and our faith in Him, that we could pull through the tragedy of losing out daughter, and after months of questioning this I must say God was right. And maybe God knows that I am not emotionally ready to handle another little girl, and that I may never be and thats okay. Even if I go on to have all boys, I will always have my little girl in my heart.
So all of that being said, below is the photo of our gender reveal, along with a couple pics of our beautiful baby boy <3
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I spend my days now photo-editing family photos, all in the hopes that the parents get the pics and not only think their children look great, but also that themselves look great because after all you are your harshest critic. We have a tendency to be harder on ourselves than anyone else in this world, and I guess its because we know ourselves and every wrinkle, sun spot, or grey hair on our bodies better than anybody else does.
But I realized something today, when I was going through our last family photoshoot with Aviana (for the millionth time since she has passed away). Its not about how great my hair looks, or if my smile is white enough, its about capturing those perfect affectionate family moments. I almost didn't get the photoshoot done the week before she died, why you ask? Because I couldn't figure out what we should wear and I didn't have it in me to style all our looks for a session. Because it was just easier to get up that day and not have to get myself ready, and get Aviana ready. But in the end does having the perfect outfit really matter? Not for a second. What matters is those smiles on your kids faces, and seeing then endless love they have for you in their eyes when they are with their two favorite people in the world, their mommy & daddy.
Below is a picture from our final family session that Sabrina Ahern Photography took of me and my little best friend. A photo that at first I didn't like because I thought my hair looked weird. Now I look at it and think that its weird that I never loved this photo! Now I love this photo so much because I just see the sparkle in my little girl's eye, and the happiness that exudes from her smile.
So in summary, try not to be too critical on yourself, try and look at yourself with the eyes that your little one looks at you with. You are beautiful and perfect - no photoshop needed.
]]>I finally made it to the store to buy some back-up external hard drives today (I went with the Seagate as opposed to the Lacie, I have heard great things about both, however the seagate was a much better price at $89 for 1 TB--see I'm still keeping this blog post photo-related, haha). It was something I had needed to do for my photography business, but also for my photos of Aviana. I thought to myself 'I must back-up these photos of her--it's all we've got left of her, the videos, the pictures, if we lose that then we will no longer have any part of her'.
I was getting really sad about it as I transferred over the photos and videos, carefully organized by week-by-week, located in folders catagorized by year. And of course seeing the folder titled 'Her Second Year' with just three little monthly folders in it, ending with Thanksgiving (the last holiday before she died) I couldn't help but get choked up and cry as I thought to myself about all the other memories that would have been in the rest of that year, in the rest of her life. I instantly felt sorry for myself that my time with her was cut so short. But then I had a change of thought...
I should feel blessed for all these photos, for all the months that I got to love her, hug her, enjoy her. The short 15 months that I had with her were the best of my life. She brought Matt and I this feeling of love and joy that you can only dream of, and we had such a great time together. There are families that miscarry, or have stillborn children that would give anything for that 15 months, and I should feel lucky and blessed for all these sweet moments that I was able to have with my beautiful baby girl.
Sure I did not get to watch her grow up, ride a bike, play a sport, have slumber parties, go to dance recitals, cheerlead (yes, she would have been a cheerleader), but I need to appreciate all the things I did get to watch her do like crawl, and splash at the pool, walk with her daddy, throw balls for her puppy, play with the iPhone, turn the pages in her books, count her duckies during bathtime (even if the only number she could ever say was 'two'), scream with joy when Elmo would come on tv and call him 'Mo', cuddle with her favorite toys, and go down the slide at the park all by herself.
When I think of all the things that I got to enjoy with her, it brings me to a happy place. And I know Aviana would want me focusing on all the happy moments that I had with her, rather than to dwell on the ones I am missing. My heart goes out to all parents that have lost a child of any age, especially parents who have lost a baby in the womb or at birth.
All of our little angels are with us in our hearts forever....no back-up device needed for that.
Valentine’s day has always been one of my favorite holidays because its my husband’s birthday, so I’ve scoured the web to find some of my FAV v-day looks for you to dress your little valentine cuties in this February. Hope you enjoy! And if there is something you think is a must have that I missed, be sure to leave a link to it in the comments section below.
Here’s to a Valentine’s day filled with lots of love (and lots of photos).
Casual Valentines Looks - Where to buy:
From Left:
Striped Intarsia one-piece Baby Gap
2-in-1 tulle skirt and leggings by Baby Gap
Tulle Pouf Headband by Janie & Jack
Preppy Pink Valentine’s Looks - Where to buy:
Eyelet Crib Shoe by Janie & Jack
Laura Ashley Wallpaper Print Dress
Grosgrain Bow Barrette Janie & Jack
Ralph Lauren V-Neck Pony Sweater
Khaki Linen Blend Short Janie & Jack
Suede Oxford Shoes Janie & Jack
Bright Pink & Black Valentine’s Looks - Where to buy:
From Left:
Hot Pink & Black Tu-Tu Love Set
Stride Rite Buffy (baby, comes in girl sizes too)
Chiffon Flower Big Girl Headband by Mud Pie
Jessica Simpson Cheetah (kid) Shoe
Stride Rite Jefferson (Toddler)
LA Imprints Baby Romper-”Tuxedo”
From Left:
White romper, Poppy Headband & Poppy Shoes: Janie & Jack
2-in-1 tulle skirt and leggings Baby Gap
Okay I couldn't finish a v-day blog without sharing a pic of Aviana dressed up in a cute valentines outfit. She is wearing Mud Pie, and this was one of my favorite outfits to photograph her in. We kept the background simple and white so that the patterns in the dress could stand out.
You know the saying 'you can never have too many photos'? Well after sorting through over 5,000 photos from my daughters 1st birthday I told my husband it was possible to have too many photos. I was certain I had taken too many pics of my precious Aviana and that no child would ever care to look at all these photos when they got older.
Little did I know less than three months after her 1st birthday my healthy baby girl would pass away and become God's littlest angel.
And I would CHERISH every one of those 5,000 photos.
Prior to Aviana being born I had never taken a single photo of a baby, but I loved photography and wanted to capture every second of her life so I decided to use my fine art background to my advantage and Art Direct weekly shoots of her. It quickly became an obsession of mine and one of our favorite things to do together. Her face would literally light up when she saw the camera and she would giggle and play while I shot away. I called her my little baby model because she had poses and expressions that would rival any top model -- I'm not biased at all. ;)
Due to the fact that I had become our families photographer I put no priority on family photos, just time spent making sure we had photos of her. However the holidays were coming and I knew I wanted a family photo to put on our holiday cards. So the weekend before thanksgiving we headed downtown with my photography friend Sabrina Ahern to have her shoot our family photos. We had joked during the photoshoot that these would be the only photos of the three of us (because the next time we did them they would include her sibling) but we had no idea that four days later (the day after thanksgiving) we would wake up without her. We had no idea the importance those photos would have in our life, and that they would become a permanent fixture of our home forever.
I know its cheesy but feel like Aviana was telling me to take all those photos of her, and that she was telling me to take up this career in photography. In a way she was teaching me how to take photos of babies and I thank her for that. She was also teaching me a beauty and joy in life called motherhood, and it was more amazing than I could have ever imagined. It's amazing how someone so small can leave such a big impact on your life. She was perfect.
It will be 7 weeks this friday since she passed and not a second goes by that I don't want to give her kisses, hugs, and grab her little hand to help her walk. I may not be able to do any of those things ever again, but I take comfort in knowing all the happy memories we got to enjoy with her in our life as she brightened every day with her smiles.
She will always live on in our hearts...and in our photos.
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